Five years

On May 15th, we hit the five year mark of my mom's passing. I truly cannot believe that it has been five years already. Every year on the anniversary of her passing we do something special to remember her. This year Levi and I took the little man to Muir Woods and Stinson Beach for a day of relaxation and reflection. This year was especially tough for me. It is amazing how well my mind and body remember the chronology of what happened the few weeks before she died up until the actual day of her passing. I always start to feel differently the end of April...this was the week that my mom recieved the phone call from the doctor regarding the brain tumor that they found. About a week or so later she went in for surgery on that brain tumor. She was able to come home for Mother's Day, which was really wonderful. Unfortunately she went back into the hospital four days later with pnuemonia and she passed two days after that. I remember it all so vividly.

Everyday I miss her. I miss how she laughed all the time, how she made up crazy words, how she loved Chardonnay and had a glass every night after work, how she made everyone around her feel like they were the only person she had ever known and cared for in her life, how honest she was, how loyal she was to her friends and family, how she never judged people, and mostly, how much she loved me and supported me every single day of my life. She backed me on decisions even if she didn't agree with them, mostly because she strongly believed that I would have to make my own mistakes to truly learn from them. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her grace and beauty were so remarkable.....

This year I was sad but mostly extremely angry. I now know what it feels like to love another person more than you love yourself. Lennox is my world and I would do absolutely anything for him. Knowing how this feels, and knowing what my mom went through with cancer and having to share her sickness and her ultimate last breath with me must have been horrible for her. I remember her telling me that she wasn't scared of dying, she was more afraid of how I would handle her being gone. I am angry that she wasn't able to be at my grad school graduation, wasn't able to receive the phone call in December of 2005 about my engagement to Levi, wasn't able to be at any of my bridal showers or help me plan our wedding, how she wasn't able to walk me down the aisle at our wedding and most of all I am angry that she was not able to be at the birth of her first grandchild. I am beyond angry that she was robbed of being a grandma to this amazing little man that fills my heart with such immense joy and love every single day. She didn't deserve to miss out on all of that. I know exactly how she would have been with him. How much she would have loved watching him learn new things, and how much she would have loved to be outside in her garden with him playing all day long. I miss having my mom here and with me. I know that she is here in spirit, and I do feel her around me often, but it really isn't the same, nor is it as comforting as having her here with me to hug, laugh with and talk to. It just isn't the same.

I think about how much I hope I am even half the mom to Leni as my mom was to me. She was my teacher, my friend, my confidante, my inspiration, my heart. I was lucky to have her for the 24 years that I did.